Kirsty Conway

How to Accept & Grow From A Mental Illness

Acceptance is a difficult thing. I have found it hard to accept anything in life. From accepting death, to accepting any life milestones, to accepting my chronic illness diagnosis and most of all, accepting my generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis.

I found myself increasingly anxious during normal social interactions. It started with my heart beating extra fast, sweaty palms and the lightheaded, fainting feeling. It grew into what felt like a large and heavy weight pushing down on my chest, taking my breath away, along with tears stinging my eyes and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to be alone. It got so bad that I found myself terrified to go anywhere, including my own job. I was constantly on edge, worrying about what people thought about every aspect of me. Anxiety stripped me of living life. It caused me to lose friendships. It caused me to lose myself. When I realized that I could no longer control my emotions and panic attacks were becoming increasingly more common, I knew that I needed to seek help.

I was diagnosed with generalize anxiety disorder and decided to try to overcome it without medication. What made it even more difficult was that I was struggling to get a diagnosis for my medical issues at the same time. I was one big ball of anxiety and felt like I was going to explode at any given moment. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to control my emotions and push through things like everyone else was. The stigma of people who have a mental illness is what made it so hard for me to accept that I could have one too. I was terrified to actually get diagnosed because then I knew I would have to accept it. To me, it felt like a label that meant I was mentally unstable.

I learned that it is ok to be, unapologetically, me. It is ok that I think differently than others. A large part of my anxiety stemmed from the tragic event that I witnessed when I was younger. I realized that because of what I went through, I felt like there had to be some reason I was still alive. I felt (and still feel) the pressure to live life to the fullest and make something of myself. This mindset has created a monster. It makes me second-guess myself. It makes me worry about everything. It has given me a low self-confidence.

Once I was finally diagnosed with the chronic illness that I have, fibromyalgia, it made my anxiety even worse. Not only did I need to accept that I have generalized anxiety disorder, I also had to accept that I had fibromyalgia and there is no cure. I became even more terrified of how people viewed me. After all, I looked completely fine on the outside, but I was in pain both mentally and physically on the inside. I was terrified to be a failure. Terrified that my anxiety would forever keep me from living and accepting myself for who I am.

Accepting, much like grieving, requires you to move past the denial. It has required me to hit many rock bottoms in order to build myself up. I have had to relearn myself and what I am capable of. I still struggle to accept that I think differently than others, and I always will. But, I have proved to myself that I am strong. I am able to remind myself to be unapologetically me and be proud of that. I have used the following 5 steps to grow and accept that I have a mental illness.

Reach out for help.

I was terrified to seek professional help. I felt like seeking help meant that I was a failure and could not manage my emotions on my own. I realized that if I ever wanted to live life and be happy again, I needed to accept that something was not right. I had to learn how to control my emotions and needed assistance in order to do so. It turns out that asking for help was the best thing that I have ever done. Once I got a diagnosis I was able to learn and grow.

Research and find others like you.

Reading others blogs about their experience with anxiety has helped me to feel less alone. It has helped me find new tools to cope with my anxiety that has worked for other people. Finding others online that had anxiety made it easier for me to get back into the groove of being socially active without worrying.

Have a support system.

Without my family and husband, I don’t know how I would have gotten through my tough times. My husband attended all of my doctor appointments to get a better understanding of what my thought processes were. It helped him understand how to help me. He knew me well enough to know how hard to push me to get outside of my anxiety-filled bubble. Without him, I can truly say that I would have hardly gotten out of my house many days when anxiety was getting the best of me. He knew how to make me calm down and feel better. He would leave me little notes reassuring me that I was ok and he was there for me.

Create a solid routine.

I learned that I needed to create a healthier routine to get out of my anxiety funk. Routines helped me feel like there was some sort structure and like I still had control. I incorporated exercising, reading and enough sleep in my routine in order to remain healthy in all aspects. Now, creating a routine did not mean that I shouldn’t stray outside of my routine every once in a while. It was good to test myself with some spontaneity. I was able to bring some excitement back into my life instead of worrying and always needing a definite plan before doing something.

Understand when enough is enough.

Learn your triggers and how to stop when needed. I became able to identify when I needed a mental health day to relax and calm myself down. It helped me avoid a break down and immensely decreased the amount of panic attacks that I suffered. It felt freeing. I finally understood myself and what I was capable of.

My Chronic Illness Story

Having a chronic illness, period, is beyond difficult. Then throw in trying to actually have a life on top of it and there are no words to describe how hard it is to keep up with everything. There are numerous chronic illnesses that can affect you in a number of ways, but the one I have is fibromyalgia. I have decided to share my journey with fibromyalgia thus far in the hopes that it may help others who:

– Think they may have fibromyalgia

– Are going through their own fibromyalgia journey

– Have a loved one who has fibromyalgia

– Have any other type of Chronic Illness

– Want to learn more about fibromyalgia or Chronic Illnesses in general.

What is Fibromyalgia?

Fibromyalgia is characterized as a chronic illness that causes pain to muscles and joints. But in reality, it is sooo much more than that. Lets just say, every fibromyalgia patient has different symptoms and no fibromyalgia patient feels the same. As for me, here are the many symptoms I have felt:

Widespread muscle and joint pain
Nausea
Dizziness
Difficulty with memory and concentration (AKA “fibro fog”)
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
Restless legs syndrome
Extreme fatigue
Anxiety
Sensitivity to weather
Sensitivity to light
Difficulty falling asleep
Tingling and numbness in the hands and feet
Painful menstrual periods

How I Got Diagnosed

It took quite a while before I realized what was going on with my body. I knew that I had started to feel differently. I knew that it was odd that I would come home from a normal day of work and feel like I couldn’t do normal activities that I used to be able to. Lets just say, the denial was real. I started to grow accustomed to the pain that I slowly started to feel. In my mind, they were normal aches and pains and everyone sucked it up on a daily basis and lived their lives, so I should be able too as well.

Random symptoms were hard to go off of when trying to decide if/how I should tell the doctor. I felt like I was going insane. The symptoms seemed to worsen at certain times and I couldn’t figure out why. It didn’t help that all of the symptoms I had were odd and I didn’t think to put them together in my mind as one diagnosis. It got to the point where I was missing a lot of work and slowly slipping into a dark place. I felt like a failure. People didn’t understand that I wasn’t faking, something was actually wrong. My family didn’t understand and thought that I was just being lazy and missing work for no reason. My fiancé at the time, now husband, doubted me. It was one of the toughest times in my life. That is until one morning when I was already at work and I received a phone call from my then fiancé. He explained to me that he had been listening to the radio on the way to school and thought that he finally figured out what was wrong with me. Fibromyalgia was described on the radio station that he was listening to and when they named some of the symptoms, he knew right away that it was what I had.

Shortly after, I went to the doctor and got the nerve to tell them all of my symptoms and that I thought that it might be fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a fairly new diagnosis and because it is difficult to diagnose, not all doctors recognize it. The worst part is, in order to diagnose it you literally have to rule out everything else that it could be. What does that mean? Well lets just say it ended up costing me a ton of time, energy and money because of all of the many tests I had to endure. Turns out, I was right. All that time I thought I was going crazy. I felt relieved that I finally knew what it was but worried about my quality of life. Then began the many doctor referrals to find a doctor that would actually recognize fibromyalgia as a real chronic illness and try to treat me.

Once I found a pain doctor that would treat me, I learned that the main treatment for fibromyalgia is medication. Most of the medications are highly addictive pain meds. Turns out, I don’t react well to any pain medications. I either get extremely nauseous and dizzy or they have no affect on me at all. I found that muscle relaxers allowed me to get a few hours of sleep at night.

The pain doctor that I ended up with was great at helping me try a variety of things to see what would work for me. I even tried Lyrica. You know the medicine commercial you always see about Lyrica helping with fibromyalgia and joint pain?Well guess what… that didn’t work for me either. After more than a year of trial and error with medications, a year in which many days I ended up succumbing to the pain, or tiredness, or depression and decided not to go to work, I finally decided to just give up with the medications. I am now only on a muscle relaxer at night. But, I have come to realize that a muscle relaxer is not good enough. I have had to turn to massages from my Husband, icy hot patches, a tens unit, heating pads and any other massagers that I can get my hands on.

I am now at the point of my life where my Husband and I are trying to start a family, having fibromyalgia makes that difficult. Numerous doctors have told me that woman who are pregnant and have fibromyalgia have significantly more pain throughout their pregnancy. This of course terrifies me. Not only the notion of the pain being worse, but also that I will not have many options to help the pain. I have been told that pretty much the only thing that I will be able to do to help my pain is to get massages.

Where I Am Now

I try to continue to be strong. Weakness is probably my biggest fear/ pet peeve. I hate how people look at me. I hate how fibromyalgia is such a lonely illness. I hate that I know what most people are thinking about me. I hate that I used to be them, judging those who would call out of work without really knowing what they were going through. I hate that I actually care about what people think of me. I hate that I still have phases where I am in denial and think that I can do anything and everything that I used to be able to do. Most of all, I hate that it is a silent illness, that you cannot visibly see the pain and suffering I am in on a daily basis. Most days I just plain old feel like a failure. There are so many days where I just want to give up and not do anything. But giving up will not make me stronger. I have decided to fight through this dreaded silent illness. I will not let it win. I will not let it rule my life. I will learn to tame it.

Fibromyalgia complicates everything, but I will not let it define me.

How To Find Your Sense Of Purpose

I just had an ‘ah-ha’ moment and I thought I better write about it before I lose it. It’s moments like these that I need to revisit when times are tough. I just got done watching Christmas with the Kranks. I am sure you are thinking, why the heck are you watching a Christmas movie in March? Well I watch Christmas with the Kranksall year round. It is my favorite movie because it gives me the warm and cozies… especially when I am feeling down in the dumps.

I could never quite put my finger on the exact part of the movie that made me keep watching it over and over again… well besides the obvious, I love the sweet older couple and the selflessness Luther portrayed when giving them the chance to get away from the wife’s recent re-diagnosis of cancer. But, it just dawned on me… The defining moment is just after Luther gave the couple hisdream vacation; he stands in the middle of the road, with snow trickling down. He has the perfect view into both his house and the older couple’s house. He sees pure happiness from both the couple and his family (his wife, daughter and her soon to be husband). His wife then walks out and joins him. That is the moment that I yearn for in life… the moment of pure happiness and complete and total fulfillment. When you finally realize that everything in your life has led you to this meaningful moment. I want to see everything that I have ever wanted right before my eyes and feel like my life has a purpose.

Which brings me to the question that I want so badly to answer, how can I find my sense of purpose in life? I realize that this question is so impactful and complex because I believe that everyone has more then one purpose in life. The idea of having a purpose in life is really questioning why you were born. I would like to think that everyone is here on this Earth for a purpose. I believe that there are many things that we have done and will do in our lives that are important and can give our lives meaning.

When I am contemplating life and trying to figure out what my purpose is, there are three questions that I typically ask myself: What should I do with my life? What will make me happy? When will an ‘ah-ha’ moment occur for me where I finally feel fulfilled?

They are all pretty difficult questions to answer and I don’t think I will ever completely have them figured out. I have however, gotten better at identifying things that I enjoy and that make me happy. I understand to a certain extent, what components I need in my life to get to a point where I could feel fulfilled. Below are the five steps that I have used to begin on my path of finding my purpose, becoming happy and feeling fulfilled in life. Here’s to hoping that everyone gets their Christmas with the Kranksmoment!

Step 1: Reflect on moments in your past where you have felt your happiest.Try to dig deep and fully grasp why those moments were so meaningful and why you enjoyed them so much. Think back to some of the things you enjoyed as a kid. Often, as we grow up we forget about the things that used to make us happy because we are clouded with doubts or judgments. I found that I worry way too much about what other people think of me, so much so that I held myself back from happiness. I wish I could have been more like my younger self, enjoying my interests for myself and not worrying about the thoughts of others.

Step 2: Identify your true interests.I have done this multiple times. When I was feeling confused about what I truly wanted to do with the rest of my life, I decided to make a list of all of my hobbies. It is always a good idea to go back and update your list periodically because your interests may change over time. Ask yourself a few questions; what are some of the things I could not live without? What would you still want to do even if you had all the money in the world? If you only had a few months to live, what would you want to do with that time?

Step 3: What are you willing to sacrifice?The reality is, everything in life comes with struggles and rough patches. Everyone has bad days. Think of it this way, even if you landed your dream job, you will still have some days where you absolutely hate it. So, your goal should be to figure out what would be worth the bad days, what would you be willing to stick it out for?

Step 4: Be willing to fail.You have to be able to put yourself out there for the things that you want in life. If you don’t try, you will never find your purpose. Understand that by going for something, you have to accept that you will fail at some point. It is very rare for you to jump right into something and be perfect at it. Embrace failure, it will only help you grow and work towards true fulfillment.

Step 5: Trial-and-error.If you have tried to work through all of the other steps and you are still unsure, your best bet is to use the trial-and-error method. Try out each of your interests. You won’t know how passionate you truly are about any of your interests until you try it out.

When Is The Right Time To Have A Baby?

I am here to tell you, baby fever is a real thing and boy do I have it. I have pictured myself having babies for as long as I can remember, and ever since my husband and I got married over a year and a half ago, I have had babies on the brain. But, only recently, we have decided that we are ready to actually start trying. I have been waiting for this moment for what feels like forever, but now that it is here, I am a little hesitant. I am sure that other women have the same hesitations that I do about the decision to have a baby:

I am worried that having children will completely change my relationship with my husband.

I am nervous that I will have absolutely no time for myself.

I am concerned that my body will never be the same.

I am afraid that we will not have enough money to give our children everything that they need.

I am scared to have my whole world revolve around a child.

I am very terrified that I will not be a good enough mom.

I am nervous that our two pups will not get enough attention and not get along with our children.

I am unsure if I am ready to give up the freedoms that we currently have.

I am apprehensive to make such a permanent, life-changing decision.

I am absolutely petrified that my baby will be unhealthy.

The thing is, I realized all of this the first month we decided to just ‘wing-it’ and said ‘if it happens it is meant to be’. Well the moment I realized that there was a chance I could actually be pregnant, I sorta freaked out. I knew that deep down if I was pregnant I would be super excited, but the fact that I had all of these fears creep up and really make me silently wish that I wasn’t pregnant, didn’t make me feel very confident.

So now, here we are in a position where we no longer want to just ‘wing-it’, we actually could plan for it and try hard to make it happen… and I am still so afraid to go all in and go for it. I keep making up excuses to push it off a little longer. The problem is, there are still periods where the baby fever hits me and I suddenly have my mind made up that I am ready to be pregnant, right now. I am in this rut where we are still ‘winging-it’ and I wish it would just happen so the decision would be made for me. But that isn’t how I pictured it happening and I want to get a grasp on the real question,When is the right time to have a baby?

In all honesty, for every doubt I have about having a baby right now, there are a million reasons as to why I think now is the time to go for it!

I have heard how awesome and attractive it is to see your husband bonding and taking care of your child. Having a child could take our relationship to an even better level.

I have seen moms make time for themselves; I know that I will just need to make an effort to do so.

I have always struggled with my body image and I know that a woman’s body goes through a lot of changes while creating a baby. But in actuality, the fact that a woman’s body can create life is such an amazing and beautiful thing. I believe that I will make time for myself to get back into shape and feel healthy again.

My husband and I have somehow found a way to get everything we want without having many worries about money. Whenever we have needed something, God has always provided. I have faith that, that will continue to be the case.

The idea of my freedom and lifestyle changing does frighten me, but I admit it excites me as well.

I know that I am fully capable of filling the “mom role.” I know that there will always be room for improvement but I have been known to evolve when growth is needed.

I know it will take a bit for our two pups to acclimate to a baby, but I have faith that they will. My husband and I will have to make a special point to take turns and evenly spread our attention between our baby and our pups.

Yes, having children is a permanent, life commitment, but if I am being honest with myself, I believe that being a mother is one of my main callings in life.

My fears really boil down to one thing that is almost completely out of my control:

I am absolutely petrified that my baby will be unhealthy.

This fear should not keep me from trying for a baby, but it certainly gives me a lot of pause.

I know that I will do everything in my power to ensure that I have a healthy baby but there are obviously so any factors that are out of my control. Whether my baby encounters complications before he/she arrives or after, I will have to face those situations when/if they occur.

So after all of this contemplating, I guess the real question isn’t, when is the right time to have a baby?The question should be, is there ever a perfect time to have a baby?

Like every life-altering decision, part of you will feel excited and part of you will feel terrified. But the fact that we agree that we want children and neither of us would be upset if we found out that I was pregnant right now, says something. So I guess that all that is left to say is, here’s to hoping that God blesses us with a baby sometime in the very near future!

Is It Time To Quit Your Job? – Why I Decided to Quit My Job

Everyone is nervous and excited to start a new job. I remember my first day; my stomach was a mess, my heart pounding with pure anxiety. It was actually like that for at least a solid week. Don’t forget to factor in the millions of introductions to people of which you will never remember their names. Oh yeah, did I mention that I started this job when I was only 17 and a senior in high school? Talk about a double whammy… just starting my last high school year and jumping right into a big girl job where I was surrounded by co-workers that were all my parents’ age. Long story short, I survived and thrived at this job for 7 years. I didn’t stay in the exact same office with the same people, but I worked my way up and got promoted several times. The job had good perks like flexible hours, earned leave, great healthcare that is affordable, decent pay (especially right out of high school) and did I mention that they offered to pay school tuition?

But guess what, I hated it. I never felt entirely fulfilled. I yearned for something that made me feel truly accomplished and allowed for me to unleash my creative side. Every time I even considered leaving I would begin to think of how ingrained I had become in the position I was in and how great the pay was. Guilt consumed me. I understood that it seemed like I was taking this opportunity for granted, but I wasn’t.

Was it bad that I secretly wished that my work situation had been worse? If I had a horrible boss, awful pay, was surrounded by toxic people or had no leave benefits, maybe I would have decided to leave earlier. Don’t get me wrong; there were plenty of toxic people that I encountered at this job on a daily basis, but I chose to see past those people because in reality, they are everywhere and will likely be at any job that I chose. So basically what I am trying to say is, there are plenty of times where it would be considered an obvious decision to leave your job, and I would not necessarily consider my case as one of those times.

So now bares the question, how do you know when it is time to quit your job if there is no obvious reason for you to do so? Well, I found the not so easy answer: when you are ready to take a giant leap of faith and focus on yourself and your wants for a change.

Words cannot even describe how anxious, scared, worried, uncertain I was to actually follow through with the decision to quit my job. When the time grew closer I could not quiet the constant doubting thoughts that ran through my mind.

“Am I stupid to let such a good opportunity go?”

“So many people would do anything for this job. Why am I leaving?”

“Am I really just going to throw the last 7 years of work away?”

And the list could go on and on…

No matter how many people I asked for advice, I learned that no one could make this decision for me. I had to take this leap of faith on my own. When it really came down to it, there were irrefutable signs that signified it was time for me to leave my comfort zone and find out what else was out there for me:

Are you constantly thinking/ worrying about work when you are not at work?

Your work stress should only remain at work. I found myself unable to be in the moment, unable enjoy my downtime with my family, constantly worrying about what occurred at work and unable to recharge before I went back to work. If you are not able to compartmentalize your work stress, you may need to consider quitting your job.

Is it affecting your health?

Excessive stress can be incredibly unhealthy. I found myself constantly anxious. I actually began to lose sleep. Have you ever heard of Sunday-somnia where the weekend passes by too quickly and you can’t sleep Sunday night because you know you will have to wake up for work the next day? Well that ended up being me every single night. I lost sleep over being so anxious for work the next morning. If you find that you are experiencing this, you need to consider making yourself and your health a priority by quitting your job.

Is it affecting all aspects of your life?

Not only did I find myself overly stressed and anxious a lot of the time, I felt depressed often. My emotions were all over the place and it was affecting my relationships with those that were close to me. I found myself starting arguments for no reason just because I was in a miserable state of mind. If your unhappiness with your job is affecting your life and relationships, consider quitting your job.

Do you feel like you are fated for better things?

It took me a while to fully grasp what my interests were in life. Once I realized what I truly enjoyed doing and what my dream job would be, I had a strong yearning for bigger and better things. I began to feel trapped in the job that I had and felt like if I were to stay there any longer I was not doing myself justice and I was just playing it safe. If you feel this way, push yourself to quit your job and aim for the stars.

Have you lost all desire for your career?

I, like many people in my generation, believe that you should love your career. I craved a job where I would actually be excited to wake up everyday. I craved a job where I would feel accomplished and proud of myself. If you have lost the passion for your job, or maybe you never had it, consider quitting your job.

Are you ready to quit your job now? Did you agree with many if not all of my signs that it is time to quit?

I get it if you are still not fully ready to take the leap and quit. Don’t tell anyone but… I still doubted my decision up until the very last second when I was walking out to my car and the deed was already done. I still have those gut-sinking moments when I realize that I actually did it, I actually quit my job.

But you know what, I am proud of myself for taking the leap of faith, for finally focusing on myself for a change. I realize now that every soul-sucking moment I spent at that job, was just another moment that I could have been working towards my dreams. So I say, take that leap of faith! Stop searching for reasons why you shouldn’t, or for someone else to tell you what to do. If you are asking the question, Should I quit my job? Chances are, you already know the answer deep down anyway.

15 Tips We Learned From Our First Year of Marriage

Being married for over a year has been an amazing experience! We learned so much through all the ups and downs that our first year of marriage has brought us. You never truly understand how many challenges and changes you will encounter as a newlywed couple until you have to live through it.

I have to say, being married feels great. I didn’t think marriage would feel any different than it did when dating but I was so wrong. It still gives me butterflies every time I get to refer to my husband as ‘husband’. I honestly can’t even imagine a time that my husband wasn’t in my life.

Looking back and reflecting on everything we were able to get through this past year makes me realize everything is happening so fast. I can only imagine all of the other exciting moments we are going to get to share together throughout the rest of our forever. I am so very thankful that God gave me my husband because even through the trials and tribulations, he is everything I could have asked for and more.

During our first year of marriage we have grown, as a married couple, in ways that I didn’t even know were possible. We learned very quickly that as a married couple, you have a lot more things to take into account. There were times we felt overwhelmed or worried but we pulled through together. Through the following 15 tips we learned from our first year of marriage, I hope to help prepare couples that are thinking about getting married or are newly married, survive their first year of marriage.

1. Show gratitude

It is always nice to hear that someone appreciates you and everything you do. It doesn’t have to be constant but just know that your spouse will appreciate hearing how thankful you are for everything that they do.

2. Make time for one another

Make each other a priority. Spending time together is key to ensuring that you do not grow apart. Making time can mean anything from talking, snuggling while watching TV – whatever helps you both feel connected.

3. Be patient

Being patient can make or break a marriage. Understand that disagreements are bound to happen. Approach testy situations carefully and understand that being calm and patient will prevent arguments from getting out of control.

4. Eat dinner together without distractions

Dinner is a time for my husband and I to connect and communicate. It allows for us to speak openly about our days. I have found that it is one of the only times where we are alone and without distractions. I encourage those couples who have children to set aside at least one night a week to have dinner just the two of you.

5. Communication is key

This tip is arguably the most important because without communication you are unable to function as a couple. You must be able to communicate in order to understand your spouse’s wants and needs. Keeping open communication with your spouse allows for you to build trust in one another.

6. Forgive the small things

Let the little annoyances go. I wish I had learned this lesson earlier. I know sometimes it is difficult to let things go but you will benefit from picking your battles. It is a waste of time and energy fighting your spouse on the small and insignificant things. Trust me, there were many nights I picked a fight over nothing and woke up the next morning mad at myself because I couldn’t even remember what I was upset about. Accept that your spouse will make mistakes, but not all of them are worth fighting about.

7. You do not have to rush into having kids

This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I have always wanted to have kids at a young age. It is hard for me to accept that not everything is going to happen according to my plan that I have always had in my head. I have found that it is important to enjoy the newlywed-phase with your spouse before jumping into having children. Once you have children, you’re whole lifestyle changes and you are not living for yourself or your spouse any longer, you are living for your children.

8. Make sure to compromise

Get to know you and your spouse’s common interests, beliefs and goals. Understand that you and your spouse will never want or think the same thing all the time. Ever heard the saying, ‘You win some and you lose some’? Well get used to it because you can’t always get what you want. Unfortunately, compromise is inevitable in any marriage.

9. Budget finances together

Understanding each other’s financial goals will enable you to work together in agreeing on a budget that works for both of you. Whether you decide to combine your finances or not, creating a monthly budget is highly beneficial. Budgeting allows for both you and your spouse to understand how you would both like to spend your money and how much you both would like to save.

10. Make time for intimacy

In every marriage there is a need for intimacy in order to remain connected. As a married couple, you learn that intimacy can be so much more than just sex. Intimacy can mean emotionally connecting with your spouse. I believe that connecting with my spouse on a deeper level allowing for us to be in tune with each other’s emotions will lead to a successful and fulfilling marriage. As for physical intimacy, there is still a need for that in any successful marriage. Understand your spouse’s expectations and needs for physical intimacy. Don’t forget to keep things exciting!

11. Have faith in God

Our faith got us through many challenging times. A lot of ups and down occur during your first year of marriage that can test your bond. Asking God for direction and trusting that he will guide us through the rough times has been exactly what we needed.

12. Be unified

When you become a married couple you are essentially a team now. Make decisions together and understand that you each play a different role in your relationship. Both are equally important roles but understanding each of your strengths and weaknesses will help you decide which roles you should fill. In the end, you are both working together to achieve a successful marriage.

13. Support each other’s dreams

A strong marriage includes supporting each other’s wants and needs. Make sure you have communicated your hopes and dreams to your spouse. This will help you better align your goals and understand how to better support your spouse as they work to achieve their goals. Be there for moral support and keep open communication along the way. Remember how great it feels to have someone who is there for you no matter what the outcome is.

14. Say ‘I love you’ and mean it unconditionally

When you said your vows, you agreed to, ‘for better or for worse’. Love your spouse unconditionally, flaws and all. No one is perfect but when you chose to marry your spouse, you chose to accept them for who they are and love them forever.

15. Forgive fully

This one can be tough at times, but will help you in the long run. Try not to harp on things that happened in the past. If something bothers you, talk to your spouse about it. Communicate to them what is needed for forgiveness and move on. Then, make a conscious effort to do exactly that, forgive and forget – move on. No one likes when someone else constantly brings up the mistakes they have made.

Life After Tragedy

Who knew that one moment, one tragic, unforgettable moment, could change your life forever? Have you ever watched the news and heard a horrible story of a tragedy that occurred? Now tell me, did you secretly think to yourself, I am so thankful that I was not there to witness that? Or how about, things like that could never happen to a normal person like me. I will admit it, before I actually experienced a tragedy first hand, I was justifiably naïve and could never begin to comprehend witnessing something so horrific.

But guess what, the unthinkable happened to me at the young age of 15 and I found myself overcome with anger, confusion and most of all, guilt. I had no idea how to process what had taken place or how to move on after witnessing such a life-altering tragedy. Grief overwhelmed me and I found it incredibly difficult to grow and move on from the horrible experience.

July 23, 2009 started off just like any other ordinary day. My family and I were on vacation at South Carolina for a Ripken baseball tournament. One of my brothers played on a baseball team that was participating in the tournament. We had gotten lucky on this particular day because when the game schedule was released, we discovered that they did not have a game until 7:00pm that night. This meant that we had the whole day to ourselves and could do whatever we wanted. The family of one of the players decided to throw a team party on the beach at their beach house that they had rented for a week. My family decided to go and we were one of the first families to arrive.

One of my brothers and I decided to immediately get into the ocean with three other boys who were also on the baseball team. What was supposed to be a fun and relaxing day, quickly took a turn for the worst. We realized that one of the boys in the water could not swim but we didn’t pay much mind to it because we were only in the water to our waists. At one point, we all looked back to the shore and recognized that we had been pulled out pretty far but that the water was still only at our waists. We still didn’t sense the danger of the situation.

We were not in the water longer than 5 minutes before one of the boys was being pulled out towards the ocean and couldn’t swim back in. He began to panic so I sent my brother and one of the other boys to help him get in to the shore. Meanwhile, I noticed that the boy that could not swim was struggling as well. I tried to swim out to him and help him but I realized that once you swam past a certain point, you could no longer go under to touch the ground.

At this point, my brother had helped save the other boy who was struggling and we sent the other two boys in to get help. My brother stayed with me as we contemplated what to do next because even though I felt l like I was a strong swimmer, I was not confident that I would be able to help the other boy that was still struggling. During this terrifying situation, I never once actually thought that this boy would not be saved. It never crossed my mind that we would end up having to leave the beach without him.

By the time one of the adults was able to make it to us, he was already under the water. It all happened so fast that before I knew it, I was on the beach in shock. Prayer circles were formed with pastors that just happened to be vacationing on the beach that day. Human chains were formed to walk together in the water in order to find the poor boy that drowned that day.

His poor family had to be contacted and told what happened over the phone because they had left to go on a shopping trip. Guilt washed over me and completely consumed me. I wished I had done something to help him. I wished that I had not been so naïve to think that he would be ok and that someone would be able to get to him in time.

The worst part about the whole situation was that we were never able to recover his body. The team and his family had to go home without him. A memorial service was held once we all arrived home. It was very difficult for me to face his family. I, especially, felt like a failure because my brother and one of the other boys in the water were at least able to save the other boy who was struggling. I was not able to do anything to help in the terrible situation. I wrote the family a letter, letting them know what had happened and the last words that their son said to me as I called out to him to try to tell him what to do.

I never truly understood what grief or tragedy was until July 23, 2009.

What do you think of when you hear the word grief? I immediately think of someone noticeably upset, maybe even crying. Dictionary.com defines grief as, “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.” I noticed a few synonyms that were listed under the definition; sorrow, anguish, agony, suffering and heartbreak, were some of the more powerful ones that caught my eye. The definition is true but in reality, grief is so much more than that.

What about tragedy? When I hear the word tragedy I think of a horrible story that I hear on the news, something terrible happens that no one saw coming. Dictionary.com defines tragedy as, “an event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress, such as a serious accident, crime, or natural catastrophe.” A few of the eye-catching synonyms listed were disaster, catastrophe, cataclysm and devastation.

Grief and tragedy are two very profound things that when experienced, will change everything about you, including your whole outlook on life.

At such a young age, I was made blatantly aware of how short life could be. Guilt consumed me and I had no idea how to process what I had witnessed. I was thrown into a grief counseling group at my high school where I was reminded of how tragic my situation really was. I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed listening to other people’s stories about deaths of a close loved one. When I shared my story, everyone in the group looked at me weird as if my story didn’t fit in amongst theirs. They were right. My situation was different. I was not close with the person who I witnessed die. I struggled with how I was supposed to feel and how to move on with my life. I felt guilty for not helping, guilty for being alive, guilty for wanting to move on with my life.

Fast-forward almost 10 year later, I still think of that day almost every single day. I still feel a deep routed guilt. I yearn for a reason behind why I am still alive and he isn’t. Why him instead of me? Grief and tragedy are two words that I would never wish anyone to feel. They overwhelm you and will leave you as a completely different person.

Through this experience I have learned that everyone processes grief differently. There is no time limit on the grieving process. I feel that I am still grieving. In all honesty, I don’t think I will ever not be. Life is a very delicate thing and can be taken from you at any moment. Once you witness how short life can be, you will forever be reminding yourself of that notion. It will play on your mind in all situations.

I truly believe that grief and tragedy has made me a stronger person.

Lonnie Lee Hill III, you will forever be in our hearts and will never be forgotten.

It’s My 25th Birthday! : 25 Things I Have Learned by 25

Happy birthday to me! This birthday is a big one for me; I am now a quarter of a century old and officially halfway through my twenties. No one ever tells you how difficult your early twenties are going to be. You know how you hear about the dreaded terrible twos, referencing the year that toddlers seem to be the crankiest? Well, there should be a whole new saying about the terrifying early twenties.

As my 25th birthday approached, I reflected a lot about my past. These past five years especially, have been the most difficult and transformative years of my life. There have been so many ups and downs. I have been confused, angry, lonely, discouraged and pretty much every other emotion you can think of. You never realize how much change occurs in your early twenties until you live through it. Throughout it all I have learned an immense amount of lessons, most of them the hard way.

To commemorate my 25th birthday, I decided I would share my “25 lessons learned” that I wish I would have known before my twenties. For those of you who are not yet through your early twenties, you may feel isolated or so completely confused about what to do for the rest of your life. Please know that you are not alone. Just know that all dark times do end up making you stronger in the end. It’s hard to believe that in the moment, but trust me; every bad situation I have been through has taught me something new about myself and has made me who I am today.

1. There is no such thing as perfect.

That goes for people, relationships, jobs or just life in general. Nothing will ever be perfect. That means that you must get in touch with your expectations. For your own sake, make sure to set realistic expectations in the beginning.

2. Eat more mindfully.

Let’s just say, if you start out doing this the right way you will save yourself a lot of trouble. Everyone knows that losing the weight is A LOT harder than gaining it. In case you haven’t been told this already, most people are not blessed with the metabolism of a 14-year-old forever. As you grow older, your body changes and so does your metabolism. I advise learning to better portion your food and balance your diet early on before it becomes a problem.

3. Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize your time.

I cannot stress prioritization enough. Gain an understanding of what the most important things are in your life and make a point of doing them as much as possible. Find a balance once you prioritize everything to ensure that you are fulfilled in all aspects of life.

4. Don’t forget to unplug.

Whether you are in high school, college or already out in the workforce, please do not waste precious time surfing social media aimlessly just to avoid what you really should be doing. I am not saying that you can’t take a mental break or plan out time to relax. I am just saying, be more mindful of how you are actually spending your time because I would hate for you to look back at the past month, or week, or day and think to yourself, what did I accomplish? It would really suck to realize that your answer could be, not a lot, if anything at all.

5. Be mindful of your words.

Not to be stereotypical, but we all know most folks in our early twenties speak first and think last. I am sure we have all had our ‘oh crap’ moments when we have said something that we really wish we could take back but we realize ‘it’s too late’. After so many of those moments, you have an ‘a-ha’ moment where you think, ‘crap, my mom was right, I really need to think before I speak’. Trust me, it happens, and if it hasn’t happened to you already, you have been warned.

6. Don’t ever feel stuck.

You are young, now is the time to make mistakes and learn from them. Don’t ever feel trapped in a decision. Make the choice to do something different regardless of how afraid you are. If you don’t, you may regret it forever. Just think of it this way, even if it turns out to be a horrible decision, at least you know now instead of always wondering ‘what if?’.

7. Stop comparing yourself to others.

We live in the day and age of social media where it seems like all anyone does anymore is wish they were someone else or living a different life altogether. The earlier you understand that no one is perfect even if they appear to be, the better. Everyone is unique in his or her own way, that is how it is meant to be or else the world would be a very boring place.

8. Let bygones be bygones.

You will learn quickly that living with negative emotions sucks the joy out of every aspect of your life. Holding on to such hostility will bring you more harm than good. Learn to let go and understand that you do not have to agree with or be friends with everyone.

9. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Do not rely on anyone else to make you happy. True happiness is the kind that you find within yourself. Seeking approval or appraisal from someone else to make you feel better about yourself will not last long if you are not content with yourself.

10. Appreciate the little things.

Sometimes the little things in life end up being the things that mean the most. That means, appreciate the moments that you would most often take for granted. Embracing this view can help you stop placing so much importance on undesirable events that are occurring.

11. Don’t take things personally.

Stop being so sensitive about the words or actions of other people. You never actually know if you are truly interpreting what other people are saying the right way. Try not to assume things that you do not know for sure.

12. Don’t apologize for things that are not your fault.

There are plenty of things that you should apologize for in life, but things that you cannot control are not one of them. Realize that by apologizing for something that was not your doing, you are showing low emotional intelligence. Decide to provide a solution or express your consideration differently.

13. Create your own path.

Find what makes you happy and what you want to do with your life. Don’t worry about if others are going to approve or understand what you are doing. Everything happens for a reason and will work out how it is supposed to. There are a million ways to get from point A to point B, find your own way and don’t feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone.

14. Not everyone is going to like you.

It’s ok to not be liked by everyone, trust me. Growing comfortable with your beliefs and opinions will make it easier for you to accept that not everyone will agree with you. There are so many people in the world, choose to surround yourself with the ones who compliment your personality.

15. Dogs are truly a man’s (or woman’s) best friend.

My dogs have always been there for me no matter what. It’s sad but it’s the truth. They don’t judge me or questions me for bad decisions that I have made. They love me no matter what. After a long, bad day, I love nothing more than to come home and get all the doggie snuggles that I want.

16. Take time for yourself.

Do not feel guilty for needing a little time to yourself. Making time for yourself can help you clear your head so you can focus on things that really matter in your life. Inner growth takes place only when you make a point to find a moment to breathe in solitude. Let’s not forget that it would help your sanity as well.

17. Be patient.

I cannot stress this lesson enough. If I had adopted patience earlier, it definitely would have saved me from a lot of stress-induced panic attacks. I constantly wanted everything accomplished right away. I never felt like waiting for anything. This made me relentlessly on edge instead of being able to enjoy what I already had in the moment.

Being patient and letting life take it’s course will help you enjoy things in the moment, stress less and appreciate the journey it took to reach your goals.

18. Choose your friends wisely.

Make sure that you are surrounding yourself with people who appreciate and value your friendship. I learned the hard way that friendships do not work unless both sides put effort into the relationship. One-sided friendships are the worst and a total waste of your time and energy.

19. Be kind.

Trust me, you won’t regret it. I firmly believe that what you put out into the world will end up being what you receive. There will be many moments in life where it would be so much easier to be unkind, but train yourself to recognize that everyone has their own wars that they are fighting within. Your kindness can be so impactful to those around you.

20. You are enough.

I consider this to be the single most important lesson that I desperately wish I had learned a lot earlier in life. Learn to love yourself for who you are. Stop expecting yourself to be more. You do not have to be perfect at everything. Accept that you do not need anyone or anything; you are enough.

21. Be open to change.

Change can be such a scary concept. Remaining flexible and open-minded can open so many new doors in your life. I wish I started out open-minded in many situations. I have always been terrified of change because I hate not knowing what is going to happen in the future. Those who remain open to change tend to have less stress in their lives. In your early twenties, there tends to be a lot of change; going to college, moving out of your childhood home, getting a full-time job, getting married and so many other life changing decisions. If you go into each of those life-changing events with an open mind, you may notice that you are a lot more content and happy.

22. Learn from the past but keep your eyes on the future.

I know most of you have heard the saying about never looking back and always looking forward instead. I have found that there is a huge difference between dwelling on the past and just reflecting on the past. I would not be me without everything that has occurred up until this point. I choose to reflect and remember my lessons learned from the past while I keep moving forward and pursuing a better future.

23. Do not let money control you.

Learn to save your money and be financially responsible. Set a budget that you can live off of so that money will not control your life. Understand what you can and cannot afford. Creating a plan for your finances will help you in the long run, trust me.

24. Never stop learning.

Make a commitment to yourself to never stop evolving. In order to evolve, you must never stop learning. You will never regret self-improvement. Keep your goals in mind and strive to learn and be the best that you that you can be. This was always a tough lesson for me to follow and I never understood why until just recently. I realized that I felt stagnant at work and there was no room to learn and grow in the job. It was then that I understood that I needed to change the line of work that I was doing in order to feel the want and need to grow and learn.

25. Life could be worse.

I cannot stress this one enough. I have trained myself to think this way whenever I am upset or frustrated with a situation. It helps me identify that my situation really isn’t that bad and that I will be able to move on. It makes me actually appreciate what I have instead of harping on something that really isn’t that big of a deal.

Your early twenties are where you will learn so much about yourself. You will grow and set your foundation for the rest of your life. Don’t underestimate yourself and what you are capable of. Everything that you are able to get through and learn from will only make you a stronger person in the end. Just think of all the lessons you will learn before you are 50!