Featured – Kirsty Conway

How to Accept & Grow From A Mental Illness

Acceptance is a difficult thing. I have found it hard to accept anything in life. From accepting death, to accepting any life milestones, to accepting my chronic illness diagnosis and most of all, accepting my generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis.

I found myself increasingly anxious during normal social interactions. It started with my heart beating extra fast, sweaty palms and the lightheaded, fainting feeling. It grew into what felt like a large and heavy weight pushing down on my chest, taking my breath away, along with tears stinging my eyes and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to be alone. It got so bad that I found myself terrified to go anywhere, including my own job. I was constantly on edge, worrying about what people thought about every aspect of me. Anxiety stripped me of living life. It caused me to lose friendships. It caused me to lose myself. When I realized that I could no longer control my emotions and panic attacks were becoming increasingly more common, I knew that I needed to seek help.

I was diagnosed with generalize anxiety disorder and decided to try to overcome it without medication. What made it even more difficult was that I was struggling to get a diagnosis for my medical issues at the same time. I was one big ball of anxiety and felt like I was going to explode at any given moment. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to control my emotions and push through things like everyone else was. The stigma of people who have a mental illness is what made it so hard for me to accept that I could have one too. I was terrified to actually get diagnosed because then I knew I would have to accept it. To me, it felt like a label that meant I was mentally unstable.

I learned that it is ok to be, unapologetically, me. It is ok that I think differently than others. A large part of my anxiety stemmed from the tragic event that I witnessed when I was younger. I realized that because of what I went through, I felt like there had to be some reason I was still alive. I felt (and still feel) the pressure to live life to the fullest and make something of myself. This mindset has created a monster. It makes me second-guess myself. It makes me worry about everything. It has given me a low self-confidence.

Once I was finally diagnosed with the chronic illness that I have, fibromyalgia, it made my anxiety even worse. Not only did I need to accept that I have generalized anxiety disorder, I also had to accept that I had fibromyalgia and there is no cure. I became even more terrified of how people viewed me. After all, I looked completely fine on the outside, but I was in pain both mentally and physically on the inside. I was terrified to be a failure. Terrified that my anxiety would forever keep me from living and accepting myself for who I am.

Accepting, much like grieving, requires you to move past the denial. It has required me to hit many rock bottoms in order to build myself up. I have had to relearn myself and what I am capable of. I still struggle to accept that I think differently than others, and I always will. But, I have proved to myself that I am strong. I am able to remind myself to be unapologetically me and be proud of that. I have used the following 5 steps to grow and accept that I have a mental illness.

Reach out for help.

I was terrified to seek professional help. I felt like seeking help meant that I was a failure and could not manage my emotions on my own. I realized that if I ever wanted to live life and be happy again, I needed to accept that something was not right. I had to learn how to control my emotions and needed assistance in order to do so. It turns out that asking for help was the best thing that I have ever done. Once I got a diagnosis I was able to learn and grow.

Research and find others like you.

Reading others blogs about their experience with anxiety has helped me to feel less alone. It has helped me find new tools to cope with my anxiety that has worked for other people. Finding others online that had anxiety made it easier for me to get back into the groove of being socially active without worrying.

Have a support system.

Without my family and husband, I don’t know how I would have gotten through my tough times. My husband attended all of my doctor appointments to get a better understanding of what my thought processes were. It helped him understand how to help me. He knew me well enough to know how hard to push me to get outside of my anxiety-filled bubble. Without him, I can truly say that I would have hardly gotten out of my house many days when anxiety was getting the best of me. He knew how to make me calm down and feel better. He would leave me little notes reassuring me that I was ok and he was there for me.

Create a solid routine.

I learned that I needed to create a healthier routine to get out of my anxiety funk. Routines helped me feel like there was some sort structure and like I still had control. I incorporated exercising, reading and enough sleep in my routine in order to remain healthy in all aspects. Now, creating a routine did not mean that I shouldn’t stray outside of my routine every once in a while. It was good to test myself with some spontaneity. I was able to bring some excitement back into my life instead of worrying and always needing a definite plan before doing something.

Understand when enough is enough.

Learn your triggers and how to stop when needed. I became able to identify when I needed a mental health day to relax and calm myself down. It helped me avoid a break down and immensely decreased the amount of panic attacks that I suffered. It felt freeing. I finally understood myself and what I was capable of.

My Chronic Illness Story

Having a chronic illness, period, is beyond difficult. Then throw in trying to actually have a life on top of it and there are no words to describe how hard it is to keep up with everything. There are numerous chronic illnesses that can affect you in a number of ways, but the one I have is fibromyalgia. I have decided to share my journey with fibromyalgia thus far in the hopes that it may help others who:

– Think they may have fibromyalgia

– Are going through their own fibromyalgia journey

– Have a loved one who has fibromyalgia

– Have any other type of Chronic Illness

– Want to learn more about fibromyalgia or Chronic Illnesses in general.

What is Fibromyalgia?

Fibromyalgia is characterized as a chronic illness that causes pain to muscles and joints. But in reality, it is sooo much more than that. Lets just say, every fibromyalgia patient has different symptoms and no fibromyalgia patient feels the same. As for me, here are the many symptoms I have felt:

Widespread muscle and joint pain
Nausea
Dizziness
Difficulty with memory and concentration (AKA “fibro fog”)
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
Restless legs syndrome
Extreme fatigue
Anxiety
Sensitivity to weather
Sensitivity to light
Difficulty falling asleep
Tingling and numbness in the hands and feet
Painful menstrual periods

How I Got Diagnosed

It took quite a while before I realized what was going on with my body. I knew that I had started to feel differently. I knew that it was odd that I would come home from a normal day of work and feel like I couldn’t do normal activities that I used to be able to. Lets just say, the denial was real. I started to grow accustomed to the pain that I slowly started to feel. In my mind, they were normal aches and pains and everyone sucked it up on a daily basis and lived their lives, so I should be able too as well.

Random symptoms were hard to go off of when trying to decide if/how I should tell the doctor. I felt like I was going insane. The symptoms seemed to worsen at certain times and I couldn’t figure out why. It didn’t help that all of the symptoms I had were odd and I didn’t think to put them together in my mind as one diagnosis. It got to the point where I was missing a lot of work and slowly slipping into a dark place. I felt like a failure. People didn’t understand that I wasn’t faking, something was actually wrong. My family didn’t understand and thought that I was just being lazy and missing work for no reason. My fiancé at the time, now husband, doubted me. It was one of the toughest times in my life. That is until one morning when I was already at work and I received a phone call from my then fiancé. He explained to me that he had been listening to the radio on the way to school and thought that he finally figured out what was wrong with me. Fibromyalgia was described on the radio station that he was listening to and when they named some of the symptoms, he knew right away that it was what I had.

Shortly after, I went to the doctor and got the nerve to tell them all of my symptoms and that I thought that it might be fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a fairly new diagnosis and because it is difficult to diagnose, not all doctors recognize it. The worst part is, in order to diagnose it you literally have to rule out everything else that it could be. What does that mean? Well lets just say it ended up costing me a ton of time, energy and money because of all of the many tests I had to endure. Turns out, I was right. All that time I thought I was going crazy. I felt relieved that I finally knew what it was but worried about my quality of life. Then began the many doctor referrals to find a doctor that would actually recognize fibromyalgia as a real chronic illness and try to treat me.

Once I found a pain doctor that would treat me, I learned that the main treatment for fibromyalgia is medication. Most of the medications are highly addictive pain meds. Turns out, I don’t react well to any pain medications. I either get extremely nauseous and dizzy or they have no affect on me at all. I found that muscle relaxers allowed me to get a few hours of sleep at night.

The pain doctor that I ended up with was great at helping me try a variety of things to see what would work for me. I even tried Lyrica. You know the medicine commercial you always see about Lyrica helping with fibromyalgia and joint pain?Well guess what… that didn’t work for me either. After more than a year of trial and error with medications, a year in which many days I ended up succumbing to the pain, or tiredness, or depression and decided not to go to work, I finally decided to just give up with the medications. I am now only on a muscle relaxer at night. But, I have come to realize that a muscle relaxer is not good enough. I have had to turn to massages from my Husband, icy hot patches, a tens unit, heating pads and any other massagers that I can get my hands on.

I am now at the point of my life where my Husband and I are trying to start a family, having fibromyalgia makes that difficult. Numerous doctors have told me that woman who are pregnant and have fibromyalgia have significantly more pain throughout their pregnancy. This of course terrifies me. Not only the notion of the pain being worse, but also that I will not have many options to help the pain. I have been told that pretty much the only thing that I will be able to do to help my pain is to get massages.

Where I Am Now

I try to continue to be strong. Weakness is probably my biggest fear/ pet peeve. I hate how people look at me. I hate how fibromyalgia is such a lonely illness. I hate that I know what most people are thinking about me. I hate that I used to be them, judging those who would call out of work without really knowing what they were going through. I hate that I actually care about what people think of me. I hate that I still have phases where I am in denial and think that I can do anything and everything that I used to be able to do. Most of all, I hate that it is a silent illness, that you cannot visibly see the pain and suffering I am in on a daily basis. Most days I just plain old feel like a failure. There are so many days where I just want to give up and not do anything. But giving up will not make me stronger. I have decided to fight through this dreaded silent illness. I will not let it win. I will not let it rule my life. I will learn to tame it.

Fibromyalgia complicates everything, but I will not let it define me.

How To Find Your Sense Of Purpose

I just had an ‘ah-ha’ moment and I thought I better write about it before I lose it. It’s moments like these that I need to revisit when times are tough. I just got done watching Christmas with the Kranks. I am sure you are thinking, why the heck are you watching a Christmas movie in March? Well I watch Christmas with the Kranksall year round. It is my favorite movie because it gives me the warm and cozies… especially when I am feeling down in the dumps.

I could never quite put my finger on the exact part of the movie that made me keep watching it over and over again… well besides the obvious, I love the sweet older couple and the selflessness Luther portrayed when giving them the chance to get away from the wife’s recent re-diagnosis of cancer. But, it just dawned on me… The defining moment is just after Luther gave the couple hisdream vacation; he stands in the middle of the road, with snow trickling down. He has the perfect view into both his house and the older couple’s house. He sees pure happiness from both the couple and his family (his wife, daughter and her soon to be husband). His wife then walks out and joins him. That is the moment that I yearn for in life… the moment of pure happiness and complete and total fulfillment. When you finally realize that everything in your life has led you to this meaningful moment. I want to see everything that I have ever wanted right before my eyes and feel like my life has a purpose.

Which brings me to the question that I want so badly to answer, how can I find my sense of purpose in life? I realize that this question is so impactful and complex because I believe that everyone has more then one purpose in life. The idea of having a purpose in life is really questioning why you were born. I would like to think that everyone is here on this Earth for a purpose. I believe that there are many things that we have done and will do in our lives that are important and can give our lives meaning.

When I am contemplating life and trying to figure out what my purpose is, there are three questions that I typically ask myself: What should I do with my life? What will make me happy? When will an ‘ah-ha’ moment occur for me where I finally feel fulfilled?

They are all pretty difficult questions to answer and I don’t think I will ever completely have them figured out. I have however, gotten better at identifying things that I enjoy and that make me happy. I understand to a certain extent, what components I need in my life to get to a point where I could feel fulfilled. Below are the five steps that I have used to begin on my path of finding my purpose, becoming happy and feeling fulfilled in life. Here’s to hoping that everyone gets their Christmas with the Kranksmoment!

Step 1: Reflect on moments in your past where you have felt your happiest.Try to dig deep and fully grasp why those moments were so meaningful and why you enjoyed them so much. Think back to some of the things you enjoyed as a kid. Often, as we grow up we forget about the things that used to make us happy because we are clouded with doubts or judgments. I found that I worry way too much about what other people think of me, so much so that I held myself back from happiness. I wish I could have been more like my younger self, enjoying my interests for myself and not worrying about the thoughts of others.

Step 2: Identify your true interests.I have done this multiple times. When I was feeling confused about what I truly wanted to do with the rest of my life, I decided to make a list of all of my hobbies. It is always a good idea to go back and update your list periodically because your interests may change over time. Ask yourself a few questions; what are some of the things I could not live without? What would you still want to do even if you had all the money in the world? If you only had a few months to live, what would you want to do with that time?

Step 3: What are you willing to sacrifice?The reality is, everything in life comes with struggles and rough patches. Everyone has bad days. Think of it this way, even if you landed your dream job, you will still have some days where you absolutely hate it. So, your goal should be to figure out what would be worth the bad days, what would you be willing to stick it out for?

Step 4: Be willing to fail.You have to be able to put yourself out there for the things that you want in life. If you don’t try, you will never find your purpose. Understand that by going for something, you have to accept that you will fail at some point. It is very rare for you to jump right into something and be perfect at it. Embrace failure, it will only help you grow and work towards true fulfillment.

Step 5: Trial-and-error.If you have tried to work through all of the other steps and you are still unsure, your best bet is to use the trial-and-error method. Try out each of your interests. You won’t know how passionate you truly are about any of your interests until you try it out.

When Is The Right Time To Have A Baby?

I am here to tell you, baby fever is a real thing and boy do I have it. I have pictured myself having babies for as long as I can remember, and ever since my husband and I got married over a year and a half ago, I have had babies on the brain. But, only recently, we have decided that we are ready to actually start trying. I have been waiting for this moment for what feels like forever, but now that it is here, I am a little hesitant. I am sure that other women have the same hesitations that I do about the decision to have a baby:

I am worried that having children will completely change my relationship with my husband.

I am nervous that I will have absolutely no time for myself.

I am concerned that my body will never be the same.

I am afraid that we will not have enough money to give our children everything that they need.

I am scared to have my whole world revolve around a child.

I am very terrified that I will not be a good enough mom.

I am nervous that our two pups will not get enough attention and not get along with our children.

I am unsure if I am ready to give up the freedoms that we currently have.

I am apprehensive to make such a permanent, life-changing decision.

I am absolutely petrified that my baby will be unhealthy.

The thing is, I realized all of this the first month we decided to just ‘wing-it’ and said ‘if it happens it is meant to be’. Well the moment I realized that there was a chance I could actually be pregnant, I sorta freaked out. I knew that deep down if I was pregnant I would be super excited, but the fact that I had all of these fears creep up and really make me silently wish that I wasn’t pregnant, didn’t make me feel very confident.

So now, here we are in a position where we no longer want to just ‘wing-it’, we actually could plan for it and try hard to make it happen… and I am still so afraid to go all in and go for it. I keep making up excuses to push it off a little longer. The problem is, there are still periods where the baby fever hits me and I suddenly have my mind made up that I am ready to be pregnant, right now. I am in this rut where we are still ‘winging-it’ and I wish it would just happen so the decision would be made for me. But that isn’t how I pictured it happening and I want to get a grasp on the real question,When is the right time to have a baby?

In all honesty, for every doubt I have about having a baby right now, there are a million reasons as to why I think now is the time to go for it!

I have heard how awesome and attractive it is to see your husband bonding and taking care of your child. Having a child could take our relationship to an even better level.

I have seen moms make time for themselves; I know that I will just need to make an effort to do so.

I have always struggled with my body image and I know that a woman’s body goes through a lot of changes while creating a baby. But in actuality, the fact that a woman’s body can create life is such an amazing and beautiful thing. I believe that I will make time for myself to get back into shape and feel healthy again.

My husband and I have somehow found a way to get everything we want without having many worries about money. Whenever we have needed something, God has always provided. I have faith that, that will continue to be the case.

The idea of my freedom and lifestyle changing does frighten me, but I admit it excites me as well.

I know that I am fully capable of filling the “mom role.” I know that there will always be room for improvement but I have been known to evolve when growth is needed.

I know it will take a bit for our two pups to acclimate to a baby, but I have faith that they will. My husband and I will have to make a special point to take turns and evenly spread our attention between our baby and our pups.

Yes, having children is a permanent, life commitment, but if I am being honest with myself, I believe that being a mother is one of my main callings in life.

My fears really boil down to one thing that is almost completely out of my control:

I am absolutely petrified that my baby will be unhealthy.

This fear should not keep me from trying for a baby, but it certainly gives me a lot of pause.

I know that I will do everything in my power to ensure that I have a healthy baby but there are obviously so any factors that are out of my control. Whether my baby encounters complications before he/she arrives or after, I will have to face those situations when/if they occur.

So after all of this contemplating, I guess the real question isn’t, when is the right time to have a baby?The question should be, is there ever a perfect time to have a baby?

Like every life-altering decision, part of you will feel excited and part of you will feel terrified. But the fact that we agree that we want children and neither of us would be upset if we found out that I was pregnant right now, says something. So I guess that all that is left to say is, here’s to hoping that God blesses us with a baby sometime in the very near future!

Is It Time To Quit Your Job? – Why I Decided to Quit My Job

Everyone is nervous and excited to start a new job. I remember my first day; my stomach was a mess, my heart pounding with pure anxiety. It was actually like that for at least a solid week. Don’t forget to factor in the millions of introductions to people of which you will never remember their names. Oh yeah, did I mention that I started this job when I was only 17 and a senior in high school? Talk about a double whammy… just starting my last high school year and jumping right into a big girl job where I was surrounded by co-workers that were all my parents’ age. Long story short, I survived and thrived at this job for 7 years. I didn’t stay in the exact same office with the same people, but I worked my way up and got promoted several times. The job had good perks like flexible hours, earned leave, great healthcare that is affordable, decent pay (especially right out of high school) and did I mention that they offered to pay school tuition?

But guess what, I hated it. I never felt entirely fulfilled. I yearned for something that made me feel truly accomplished and allowed for me to unleash my creative side. Every time I even considered leaving I would begin to think of how ingrained I had become in the position I was in and how great the pay was. Guilt consumed me. I understood that it seemed like I was taking this opportunity for granted, but I wasn’t.

Was it bad that I secretly wished that my work situation had been worse? If I had a horrible boss, awful pay, was surrounded by toxic people or had no leave benefits, maybe I would have decided to leave earlier. Don’t get me wrong; there were plenty of toxic people that I encountered at this job on a daily basis, but I chose to see past those people because in reality, they are everywhere and will likely be at any job that I chose. So basically what I am trying to say is, there are plenty of times where it would be considered an obvious decision to leave your job, and I would not necessarily consider my case as one of those times.

So now bares the question, how do you know when it is time to quit your job if there is no obvious reason for you to do so? Well, I found the not so easy answer: when you are ready to take a giant leap of faith and focus on yourself and your wants for a change.

Words cannot even describe how anxious, scared, worried, uncertain I was to actually follow through with the decision to quit my job. When the time grew closer I could not quiet the constant doubting thoughts that ran through my mind.

“Am I stupid to let such a good opportunity go?”

“So many people would do anything for this job. Why am I leaving?”

“Am I really just going to throw the last 7 years of work away?”

And the list could go on and on…

No matter how many people I asked for advice, I learned that no one could make this decision for me. I had to take this leap of faith on my own. When it really came down to it, there were irrefutable signs that signified it was time for me to leave my comfort zone and find out what else was out there for me:

Are you constantly thinking/ worrying about work when you are not at work?

Your work stress should only remain at work. I found myself unable to be in the moment, unable enjoy my downtime with my family, constantly worrying about what occurred at work and unable to recharge before I went back to work. If you are not able to compartmentalize your work stress, you may need to consider quitting your job.

Is it affecting your health?

Excessive stress can be incredibly unhealthy. I found myself constantly anxious. I actually began to lose sleep. Have you ever heard of Sunday-somnia where the weekend passes by too quickly and you can’t sleep Sunday night because you know you will have to wake up for work the next day? Well that ended up being me every single night. I lost sleep over being so anxious for work the next morning. If you find that you are experiencing this, you need to consider making yourself and your health a priority by quitting your job.

Is it affecting all aspects of your life?

Not only did I find myself overly stressed and anxious a lot of the time, I felt depressed often. My emotions were all over the place and it was affecting my relationships with those that were close to me. I found myself starting arguments for no reason just because I was in a miserable state of mind. If your unhappiness with your job is affecting your life and relationships, consider quitting your job.

Do you feel like you are fated for better things?

It took me a while to fully grasp what my interests were in life. Once I realized what I truly enjoyed doing and what my dream job would be, I had a strong yearning for bigger and better things. I began to feel trapped in the job that I had and felt like if I were to stay there any longer I was not doing myself justice and I was just playing it safe. If you feel this way, push yourself to quit your job and aim for the stars.

Have you lost all desire for your career?

I, like many people in my generation, believe that you should love your career. I craved a job where I would actually be excited to wake up everyday. I craved a job where I would feel accomplished and proud of myself. If you have lost the passion for your job, or maybe you never had it, consider quitting your job.

Are you ready to quit your job now? Did you agree with many if not all of my signs that it is time to quit?

I get it if you are still not fully ready to take the leap and quit. Don’t tell anyone but… I still doubted my decision up until the very last second when I was walking out to my car and the deed was already done. I still have those gut-sinking moments when I realize that I actually did it, I actually quit my job.

But you know what, I am proud of myself for taking the leap of faith, for finally focusing on myself for a change. I realize now that every soul-sucking moment I spent at that job, was just another moment that I could have been working towards my dreams. So I say, take that leap of faith! Stop searching for reasons why you shouldn’t, or for someone else to tell you what to do. If you are asking the question, Should I quit my job? Chances are, you already know the answer deep down anyway.