Who knew that one moment, one tragic, unforgettable moment, could change your life forever? Have you ever watched the news and heard a horrible story of a tragedy that occurred? Now tell me, did you secretly think to yourself, I am so thankful that I was not there to witness that? Or how about, things like that could never happen to a normal person like me. I will admit it, before I actually experienced a tragedy first hand, I was justifiably naïve and could never begin to comprehend witnessing something so horrific.
But guess what, the unthinkable happened to me at the young age of 15 and I found myself overcome with anger, confusion and most of all, guilt. I had no idea how to process what had taken place or how to move on after witnessing such a life-altering tragedy. Grief overwhelmed me and I found it incredibly difficult to grow and move on from the horrible experience.
July 23, 2009 started off just like any other ordinary day. My family and I were on vacation at South Carolina for a Ripken baseball tournament. One of my brothers played on a baseball team that was participating in the tournament. We had gotten lucky on this particular day because when the game schedule was released, we discovered that they did not have a game until 7:00pm that night. This meant that we had the whole day to ourselves and could do whatever we wanted. The family of one of the players decided to throw a team party on the beach at their beach house that they had rented for a week. My family decided to go and we were one of the first families to arrive.
One of my brothers and I decided to immediately get into the ocean with three other boys who were also on the baseball team. What was supposed to be a fun and relaxing day, quickly took a turn for the worst. We realized that one of the boys in the water could not swim but we didn’t pay much mind to it because we were only in the water to our waists. At one point, we all looked back to the shore and recognized that we had been pulled out pretty far but that the water was still only at our waists. We still didn’t sense the danger of the situation.
We were not in the water longer than 5 minutes before one of the boys was being pulled out towards the ocean and couldn’t swim back in. He began to panic so I sent my brother and one of the other boys to help him get in to the shore. Meanwhile, I noticed that the boy that could not swim was struggling as well. I tried to swim out to him and help him but I realized that once you swam past a certain point, you could no longer go under to touch the ground.
At this point, my brother had helped save the other boy who was struggling and we sent the other two boys in to get help. My brother stayed with me as we contemplated what to do next because even though I felt l like I was a strong swimmer, I was not confident that I would be able to help the other boy that was still struggling. During this terrifying situation, I never once actually thought that this boy would not be saved. It never crossed my mind that we would end up having to leave the beach without him.
By the time one of the adults was able to make it to us, he was already under the water. It all happened so fast that before I knew it, I was on the beach in shock. Prayer circles were formed with pastors that just happened to be vacationing on the beach that day. Human chains were formed to walk together in the water in order to find the poor boy that drowned that day.
His poor family had to be contacted and told what happened over the phone because they had left to go on a shopping trip. Guilt washed over me and completely consumed me. I wished I had done something to help him. I wished that I had not been so naïve to think that he would be ok and that someone would be able to get to him in time.
The worst part about the whole situation was that we were never able to recover his body. The team and his family had to go home without him. A memorial service was held once we all arrived home. It was very difficult for me to face his family. I, especially, felt like a failure because my brother and one of the other boys in the water were at least able to save the other boy who was struggling. I was not able to do anything to help in the terrible situation. I wrote the family a letter, letting them know what had happened and the last words that their son said to me as I called out to him to try to tell him what to do.
I never truly understood what grief or tragedy was until July 23, 2009.
What do you think of when you hear the word grief? I immediately think of someone noticeably upset, maybe even crying. Dictionary.com defines grief as, “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.” I noticed a few synonyms that were listed under the definition; sorrow, anguish, agony, suffering and heartbreak, were some of the more powerful ones that caught my eye. The definition is true but in reality, grief is so much more than that.
What about tragedy? When I hear the word tragedy I think of a horrible story that I hear on the news, something terrible happens that no one saw coming. Dictionary.com defines tragedy as, “an event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress, such as a serious accident, crime, or natural catastrophe.” A few of the eye-catching synonyms listed were disaster, catastrophe, cataclysm and devastation.
Grief and tragedy are two very profound things that when experienced, will change everything about you, including your whole outlook on life.
At such a young age, I was made blatantly aware of how short life could be. Guilt consumed me and I had no idea how to process what I had witnessed. I was thrown into a grief counseling group at my high school where I was reminded of how tragic my situation really was. I felt uncomfortable and embarrassed listening to other people’s stories about deaths of a close loved one. When I shared my story, everyone in the group looked at me weird as if my story didn’t fit in amongst theirs. They were right. My situation was different. I was not close with the person who I witnessed die. I struggled with how I was supposed to feel and how to move on with my life. I felt guilty for not helping, guilty for being alive, guilty for wanting to move on with my life.
Fast-forward almost 10 year later, I still think of that day almost every single day. I still feel a deep routed guilt. I yearn for a reason behind why I am still alive and he isn’t. Why him instead of me? Grief and tragedy are two words that I would never wish anyone to feel. They overwhelm you and will leave you as a completely different person.
Through this experience I have learned that everyone processes grief differently. There is no time limit on the grieving process. I feel that I am still grieving. In all honesty, I don’t think I will ever not be. Life is a very delicate thing and can be taken from you at any moment. Once you witness how short life can be, you will forever be reminding yourself of that notion. It will play on your mind in all situations.
I truly believe that grief and tragedy has made me a stronger person.
Lonnie Lee Hill III, you will forever be in our hearts and will never be forgotten.
Kirsty Conway 